Disclaimer: The following post gets really real. The transparency and honesty that this was written in is raw and it’s hard for me to share. If I could go back and do anything about this journey differently I would have kept my diagnosis a secret. Social media would have never known about it. However, that wasn’t how I handled things during and after my initial diagnosis 2 years ago. Part of this is due to being 23 when everything started, another factor is because I never imagined things playing out like this, I never imagined the next 2 years would have contained all that they have. However I did share it, and because of that I think now I have an opportunity to to share my story, my experiences, the good times and the bad in hopes that someone can relate, and in hopes that someone who is walking the same or similar journey can find reassurance, inspiration and know that the feelings, highs, and lows are part of it and it’s okay. I wrote this at 1 am on a Friday morning, after a long day of Doctor’s appointments while trying to find the strength to pull it together, pick myself up off the bathroom floor and go out and make the day happen. I feel compiled to share it and be honest because I do believe that in that there is healing, there is reality and somehow getting everything in black and white text makes it a little easier to breathe, and if just one person going through a difficult season can relate and know that what they’re feeling is okay and not abnormal, then it was all worth it.
Some days reality gets so real it feels like there’s no possible way I can do this another day. Some days it literally hurts to breathe, it hurts to think and I feel an unimaginable sense of hopelessness. Unfortunately these days occur way more than I’ll ever admit and the amount of shame that I feel, is enough to swallow me whole. I’m ashamed that this is my life, that my friends and family fall subject to walking this journey with me. To the worry I cause them. To the stress that comes with loving me. I feel guilty that I’ll never be the coworker, teammate or person I was before everything happened. I feel ashamed that I have a medical history and medication list that most 25 year olds don’t have for another 50 years. I feel ashamed, of the sadness, hopelessness and struggle. Some days I grieve for the old me, and the future me of what could have been.
Some days I struggle to believe that everything will be okay. I want to scream that life is not fair, and that this shouldn’t be my life. That it’s not fair. I don’t deserve this. My family doesn’t deserve this. My friends don’t deserve this. Some days I can’t see past today, because my heart is so broken.
This journey, this life, it isn’t easy. Some days, I swear I can hear my own heart break. I question how I’ll be able to continue to hold on. My greatest fear is that these ” some days” will become everyday. That the hoplessness will become constant. That one day, I won’t be able to hold on. That one day, it will all become to much for the people around me, and they’ll leave. That one day I won’t be able to pick myself up, pull myself together and go out and carry on.
But thankfully today is not that day, and this bad day will resolve. In 1.5 hours when my morning alarm goes off, I will pick myself up, take a shower, throw on those royal blues and go get things done. I’ll place my faith in Him and continue to praise him, and the world will continue to turn just as it should.
And life of course, will continue to be glitterful as ever.
The lotus is the most beautiful flower, whose petals open one by one. But it will only grow in the mud. In order to grow and gain wisdom, first you must have the mud — the obstacles of life and its suffering. The mud speaks of the common ground that humans share, no matter what our stations in life. Whether we have it all or we have nothing, we are all faced with the same obstacles: sadness, loss, illness, dying and death. If we are to strive as human beings to gain more wisdom, more kindness and more compassion, we must have the intention to grow as a lotus and open each petal one by one.