My word of the year for 2020 is,
Surrender:“ To abandon oneself entirely to (a powerful emotion or influence); give in to.”
- To be able to able to abandon oneself entirely and just be still.
- To be able to trust in God’s timing not knowing when it will come.
- To expect a miracle not knowing how God will provide it.
- To place all my worries, fears, and uncertainties in His hands every single day saying “I trust you.”
If you’ve ever spent more than 5 minutes with me you’ve undoubtedly realized that I am not one to “be still.” I’m not one who surrenders easily. I’m a hot mess express, constantly moving toward the next thing without even finishing what I was currently working on or working through. “Being still,” is just not my thing.
As a Christian, I struggle even more. I know and whole-heartedly believe that I serve a God that loves me and wants only the best for me. I unfortunately do have a tendency to try and control every aspect of my life quite often. By this I mean I interfere where I should just be still, I assume responsibilities that were never intended to be mine, and I worry, where I should trust. I’m impatient and a control freak. Like I said in the in the above paragraph, I’m a hot mess.
My life is best described a mess of beautiful chaos. I’ve been entrusted with a journey different than most, at 23 I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. At 28, I was diagnosed with a more severe form an autoimmune demyelinating disease. My illness has been plagued with multiple relapses, multiple failed medications, and more than it’s fair share of disappointments and heartaches. All of this recently hit it’s breaking point when I was involved in a major car accident in November. While driving home from work on a Thursday evening a truck ran a stop sign and we collided, leaving me with 19 broken bones, one of those being an extensive ankle fracture, requiring 3 surgeries so far and leaving me non ambulatory and back in a wheelchair, and dependent on others. 2019 saw me turn into a sad and angry person that I no longer recognize. I am determined that this will not carry into 2020.
With the word surrender at the heart of everything I do this year my hope is to turn over all those burdens I carry daily that aren’t mine to carry (MS, NMO, an uncertain future, etc. ) I’m also determined to surrender the little things, that not only steal my joy, but also prevent me from loving freely, serving deeper, and hold me back from the beautiful and glitterful life before me.
I can’t wait to see what 2020 has in store for me. I’m abandoning myself entirely. Surrendering to a power, to a wisdom, and to an understanding that is far greater than my own.I’m leaving 2019 and all the pain, fear, and defeat it brought in the past, and openly walking (okay, okay wheeling,) into 2020 excited to embrace the good that awaits.
Wishing you a happy, healthy, and blessed 2020!